I discovered one day that I am not immune from seeing the world through the lens of race.
In the mid-90s, Roger and I were driving through Alabama and spent the night in Mobile. Roger was wiped out, so he stayed in the hotel while I went out to find dinner. There was a mall near the hotel, so I thought I'd grab something at an eatery.
I parked, went into the mall through a bookstore and starting hunting for food. About halfway through my hike down the main hall, it dawned on me that I was the only white person around. Everyone else was black.
At first I didn't think much of it, but then I started to get self-conscious and I wondered if it was okay that I was there. I began to worry a bit that someone might not like the fact that I was there, might think that I'd invaded the wrong turf, and that I might be in some trouble.
My discomfort was based purely on my own imagination. Not a single person did anything to make me feel that way. In fact, I'm not sure if anyone noticed me at all. Yet in my mind, I went to that place of judgment and fear.
I confess I was a little relieved that I could not find a place to eat there. But I was also disappointed in myself for not stopping to ask anyone for information.
I went back to my car and drove to the other side of the highway where there was another mall. I walked in and discovered that all of the customers were white, which made me feel uncomfortable in another sort of way. It was far more upscale than the first mall, and there were plenty of restaurants to choose from. I found a nice place to get noodles.
And I confess I was relieved to chat for a while with the Filipino woman who owned it.
1 comment:
What you see as a moment of weakness I see as a moment of clarity. You had the chance to experience the isolation and unsettled emotion of being the only one of your kind. You gained an understanding that most of us can only imagine. And you learned from it. What a wonderful, beautiful opportunity for you.
Thank you for openly sharing this.
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